A long-time reader asked me a question by e-mail after reading my previous post, I am not a good-for-nothing. It is an interesting question that many people asks. I answered her using my story and decided to share it here for your benefit too.
Reader: Hi Yvonne. How did you manage to breakthrough the stronghold of fear and elevate yourself beyond and above your childhood traumas?
Yvonne: My childhood emotional and physical traumas gripped me psychologically for many years. I was filled with pain and anguish. But all that came into perspective after my December 2009 brain surgery which started me on a spiritual healing process.
During that surgery, as you might remember, I did not wake up from surgery immediately as I should. But I remained drifting between states of consciousness. I did not open my eyes, did not recognize people or respond to stimuli. For three days, I remained in that state. In my mind, I experienced hallucinations.
I did not open my eyes or respond. But in my mind, I was hallucinating and seeing myself in a dark room of the hospital. I was delusional and thought the nurses were trying to harm me. Without being fully awake or opening my eyes, I pulled out the IV outlets from my arms, the clips, the straps and the catheters until nurses had to restrain my arms by strapping them to the bed. I drenched my bedsheets with my blood by pulling out the IV outlets forcibly.
At one point, I succeeded in removing my restrains while my nurse was not looking and hopped out of bed, only to knock my head against the medical equipments in a semi-conscious state.
I finally regained full consciousness five days after surgery and could be transferred out of the ICU to a normal hospital ward. In the following months, the post-surgery swelling of my brain gradually subsided. My mind slowly regained its original vigour which allowed me time to reflect on my past, my perception of my life and the people around me.
That five days of helplessness in the ICU put things into perspective. I finally understood that my father, who suffered a brain haemmorhage when I was three years old, was living at the mercy of the damages in his brain that the stroke left behind. I began to understand that my father was not uncaring, not unloving, not irresponsible and definitely not a scoundrel. He was merely confused and at the mercy of insidous damages in his brain.
I now know, because I have finally experienced what my father was living with for twenty five years – something that nobody else in the family seemed to understand. Maybe Aunt Ivy did, for she willingly took care of my family. But she was long gone by the time I was old enough to make my own observations and not merely believe what others tell me.
The people around me continued to blame my dad after that brain surgery of mine. They blamed him for all their lives’ difficulties and woes.
“Your dad is useless!”
“It’s all your father’s fault.”
“Blame your father.”
“If your father cares about you…”
But they no longer had an influence on me, for I already know the Truth in my heart.
To my surprise, having the Truth in my heart gave me peace. This peace in my heart was put to good use later that year when my father’s health declined.
Others were resentful when my father’s heart and lungs started to collapse, when he needed to be physically cared for and required acute medical attention. They were making plans to place him in an old folks’ home.
But after experiencing the helplessness that my father had been living with for twenty five years, I could not bear the thought of leaving my father in an old folks home. I knew there will be more bitterness and chaos among family members once he was there, as they will then be resentful over the cost.
To prevent my father from enduring more emotional pain of being blamed, I decided to send him to the nearest hospital so that he could receive proper medical care. I didn’t know how long he will be there or how much it will all cost, but I was willing to spend all the funds I had.
I couldn’t protect my father in the days following his brain haemorrhage and even allowed myself to be influenced to hate my own dad. This was the least I should do for him.
My father eventually passed away after a month in the hospital. I will never forget the last words my father said to me as my tears spilled. “Ming Niang, my greatest daughter. I love you”.
Those three words, I love you, were words that my father had never said to me.
After my father’s demise, I started on a journey towards healing my heart. Now that my awareness has risen and I could see beyond most people who were involved in my family struggles, it was time for me acknowledge and accept what has happened in the past. When I have acknowledged and accepted it by believing that everything happened for a reason, I was ready to forgive the people who had hurt me. I could now understand that their actions towards my family were influenced by their own issues and darkness. What I needed was to view the people who hurt us with compassion.
To summarize this story and answer your question of how to breakthrough the grip of our childhood trauma, we must first understand the reason why things happened. If there were confusions about the Truth as I had in my past, then find the truth.
Once we know and understand the Truth of the situation, we should then acknowledge and accept what has happened without resentment but with an open heart.
By acknowledging and accepting what has happened, we make peace with ourselves and life. And when we have made peace, we will then be ready to forgive and let go of the pain instead of allowing it to fester.