You can say I was a seeker, an addict, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. From the time I left High School, I was never idle long enough to think much, I was all bent on chasing away my malcontent. I was desperately searching for something. By the grace, I had the common sense never to neglect nor abandon my goals of financial independence and security because well don’t kid yourself, you can’t feed on love or a companion for the night. Many a times I felt somehow that others were making real progress, and making it all look so easy.
I too, spent many moments soul-searching, learning, making mistakes, making stupid mistakes and then trying all over again. I seemed to be leading a lost cause, that I was just heading towards a senseless path of self-destruction. I had a restless idealism of getting what I desire on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other. Essentially, I was ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’,which pretty much summed up the paths I was taking to find myself. At times, I got sucked into the follies that I can find it in someone else’s love or in material comforts. It is still a never ending quest, a journey of self-discovery.
They say, addiction is a decision. You want something, whatever that something is, and make a decision to get it, at all cost, that’s addiction. If you make a decision to take it and if it gets far out of control, it becomes an addiction. Yes, I have been down that road, I have desires that I pursued relentlessly whether it was an emotional affliction over a person or over a latest gadget in town that I must have in my possession.
When you are in that state, your mind is always haggling with the question, do I or don’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I keep on pursuing, or am I going to stop wasting my time, should I just say no? It’s a decision. Each and every time. If you string enough of those decisions together, you have a set of values and a standard to live by.
Ultimately, we all want the same things: comfort, love and a peaceful heart. Meaning and morality in life come from within ourselves. Some of us seek self enrichment by experimenting, by living dangerously and pursuing all possibilities. You can life on pity, self-contempt, self-restraint and guilt. Living a good and meaningful life is ever changing, challenging, devoid of regret, intense and passionate, creative and risky. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, you get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship and what is worthy of your time and effort.
Live a life that is worth of you.
—
Aaron Kee’s favourite song for the past 2 weeks.