A thought prompted me to look through my collection of old CDs for photos used to promote my book several years ago. Before I reached the correct disks, I came across this one containing studio shots taken at Kid Chan Studio after receiving the Asian Youth Ambassadors’ award in 2005. I was nineteen and overweight at 55kg or so.
But it wasn’t the memory of my body weight that boggled me. Rather, it was the home environment that I was in and my level of awareness. As some would describe it, I was wrapped up in darkness. The public wouldn’t know unless they looked close enough and saw beneath my tough façade. I was struggling internally, balancing the task of saving my own life by raising funds for surgery and tolerating with other people’s bitterness. I used to feel a heavy burden on my shoulders. What fueled my determination to raise funds until I succeeded back then was fear. I refused to be sucked into the darkness that I was struggling against.
Of course, I understand now that it was partly a matter of perception. My environment did not change much in the years that followed, but my mind did. While looking at these old studio shots, I remembered the supporters who believed in my potential despite my shortcomings. I remembered their love and what could possibly have been unconditional support. I remembered how they gradually transformed me and my ability to adapt with my environment over several years.
As I remember how people supported my efforts despite the way I was, I recognize God’s hands, and I am reminded of gratitude. I was stronger and more physically independent in those days. My eyesight was better and my balance was well. I was physically better off six surgeries ago. But spiritually, I was immature.
How far I have come.
We are all here on earth to learn, grow and evolve by experiencing life. Both the good and the bad are valuable life conditions that we must learn to appreciate. I wouldn’t be who I am today if life had been smooth-sailing. For this, I do not regret having to live with Neurofibromatosis.
Another person who is free of Neurofibromatosis, will gripe about how unfair her life is in other ways, anyway. 